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Last week I saw Michael Moore’s Bowling for Columbine, which deftly explores some of the influences of fear on our culture. The film investigates some of the consequences of a society living in fear, specifically within the context of gun-related violence, but of course I can't help but wonder how fear influences people's behavior and attitudes surrounding relationships. I'm particularly interested in understanding why so many people spend an inordinate amount of time concerning themselves with other people's relationships. I've always found this behavior baffling and it pisses me off, and now I start to wonder how much of this bullshit is also motivated by fear.
It shouldn't come as a revelation to anyone that the formation of too many relationships is motivated by fear of living alone, fear of dying alone, fear of passing up the only person who will ever give you the time of day for the rest of your life, and so on. Many folks today believe that the high divorce rate here in the US can be attributed to everything from the media to the waning interest in religion to the death of 'family values' — and if anyone can tell me what the fuck that means I’ll give a big friendly squeeze to the erogenous zone of your choice. Isn't the ending of a relationship really the recognition that you're not involved with the right person, for better or for worse, and if so is that such a terrible problem? And more importantly, is that anybody else's business?
I was a year out of college, in the Shop Rite near where I went to high school, and I ran into a woman who had been my classmate. She was married and pregnant and with her mom. Her mom was working really hard to explain to me everything that was wrong with the little she knew about my life "Oh you work in television, we had a cousin who worked in television, he got fired." "Oh you live in New York, I once had a friend who moved to New York, now he's dead." While mom paused to catch her breath and count coupons I asked daughter what made her decide it was the right time to have a kid. I was curious because I couldn't get my shit together enough to know who I was or what kind of person I wanted to date, and here this woman had it all figured out. She answered, and I’ll never forget this, "Well, we got married, we bought a house, and we got a dog, so…" and as she trailed off she smiled and shrugged her shoulders. I was aghast, I had no idea it was so fucking simple.
A couple years ago I went back to that same town for my ten year high school reunion. A few hundred people attended, and I was surprised that I didn't know most of them. After meeting a lot of former classmates I came to realize I was the only single person there. Everyone else was married, most of them had kids, some were already on their second marriages.
There's a point to these stories, really. I suspect that a lot of people really rush into these early marriages for what strikes me as questionable reasons. And that's fine, hey go for it. Have a blast, buy a house, reproduce, take polka lessons, whatever. But I also suspect that when a marriage doesn't fit quite right some of the concerned parties start to squirm, and some of them start looking outside the relationship for something to blame.
A strong relationship, a meaningful one built on real feelings and a real connection, is a personal experience between the two parties in question. Or three parties if that's the way you like it. I can understand celebrating relationship milestones with friends, for marriages and anniversaries and the like. But I’m fascinated by the external focuses through which people shrilly nurture and defend their marriages through acquisition of material goods, displays of valuable trappings, and my personal favorite, the condemnation of other people's relationships.
Various industries have successfully conspired to convince people that the value of a relationship can be expressed through material accessories; attention couples that dress the same, I’m talking about you. The amount of money and attention vested in the most showy wedding, the biggest ring, the most expensive gifts is staggering. Whichever couple has the best gifts loves the most. And there’s so much energy focused on rote, ritual observation of Valentine’s Day, a meaningless construct that has nothing to do with anybody's personal relationship. What meaning does this day have for two individuals who share something private, special, and above all else personal, and where does this fit into your story, and your relationship. Because the folks on TV have told you this is the day to celebrate your story and your experience, must we march about like an army of unquestioning automatons, purchasing diamonds, roses, chocolates, gift certificates to overpriced spas? Let us all eat out simultaneously on this night, so the restaurants can maximize profits and charge an outrageous prix fixe for the same crap they throw at you every other night. But enough about VD and the complicated dance of love-as-materialism.
We come to my favorite busybodies, the shrill defenders of the holy kingdom of marriage. Desperately attempting to focus all eyes on anything but their own problems, these guardians of goodness would have us all gape in horror at the relentless shocking assault on their relationships by outside influences. A single mother on television? Satan did it! Unmarried adults engaging in sex? It’s the end of society as we know it. The leading movement against gay marriage is known as DOMA, or the Defense of Marriage Act. The proponents of this idea argue that the idea of legal gay marriage devalues all the heterosexual marriages already in place — I guess I'd be upset too if I were a heterosexual couple that invested so much money and time in building marriage equity, only to have the resale value of that marriage plummet the day gay people start marrying.
People, people, look inward. If your relationship doesn't fit you comfortably, why blame the store where you bought it? You had plenty of time to try on other ones before closing time, and judging or pissing on other people's outfits is not the solution to your ill-fitting relationship-garment-metaphor. Sure it's easy and it all sounds so clear from a single guy's perspective, and in all fairness I should probably also question the fucked up behavior of single people, and why they continue to fail in the realms of dating and relationships. But that's no fun; those motivations are far too easily identified: despondency, apathy, and/or sheer incompetence. I’m sure there are people out there who are single by choice because it’s the best possible decision for who they are, but if there are I haven’t met any of them. |
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| December 1, 2002 |
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