|
 |
| Five Ways to Break Up in Charlotte, NC |
| by DJ DanK |
|
Need to lose your lover? Too chickenshit to have The Talk? Fret not, my friend, the Queen City is here to help you ditch the bitch.
1. Bring your partner to the Discovery Place museum, uptown. It is not necessary to purchase admission. On the sidewalk outside the main entrance stand two immense parabolic reflectors, capable of transmitting the tiniest sound across the fifty-foot space between them. Arrange for your partner to stand in front of the reflector nearest the entrance. Walk to the other reflector near the street corner and whisper: "I never loved you." With distance and the element of surprise on your side, you’ll be able to scoot around the corner and into a restaurant or parking garage before they know what hit them.
2. Launch an anonymous smear campaign against your partner. Call the Rhino Times’ "Sound of the Beep" each week and allege that your partner is in some way responsible for (a) Duke Power’s slipshod maintenance of power lines, (b) the City Council pushing the new arena referendum against the majority vote, *and* (c) the DSS taking away the Strattons’ children. An armed mob of rabid Charlotteans will take it from here.
3. Go out dancing at The Breakfast Club with your partner. Within the hour, the DJ will spin Eurythmics’ "Would I Lie To You?" This is statistically provable. Now strut your stuff. Hold your beer bottle like a mike and work it. Take turns pretending to be Annie and Dave in the video. Do that hip "finger-wagging" thing (alternate one hand, then the other) while backing away from your partner. Lip-sync along... "I’ve packed my bags, I’ve cleaned the floor," as you near the exit… "and now I’m walking, walking out the door!" Walk out the door. Keep walking.
4. Take your partner to lunch at any greasy spoon named after a Rusty, Sonny, or Bubba. When placing your order, loudly proclaim: "I don’t give a rat’s ass what those Bible-thumping pricks in Congress say, I asked for French fries and I goddamn want French fries!" One or both of you will be killed, effectively ending your relationship.
5. Arrange a dinner date. Ask your partner to meet you at the corner of Queens and Queens near Park, but not to park on Queens. Tell them, "It's easy... just take Queens West to West until it becomes East at South, then circle south on Queens East to South Park, bear west on Park South, turn east on West until Queens Circle, circle east, and park on Park at Queens and Queens." You will never see them again. |
|
| January 16, 2003 |
|
|
|
